Mothers Day is a bittersweet celebration for me! Though I am very grateful to be a mom and love to be celebrated I also have to face the reality of the lack of a healthy relationship between me and my own mom! Usually, I get really emotional around this time of year thinking about it, but this year I’m accepting it for what it is and appreciating the lessons I’ve learned from my mother and valuing the other mothers who came in my life to help me mature and grow into the woman I am today! I also decided to write my mother a letter, which is a part of my grieving and forgiving process!
Dear mom,
Things are tough right now and it sucks that we are not talking and bonding! My decision to separate from you now is due to my unwillingness to pretend that everything is ok and sweep everything under the rug! I can’t live like that anymore, it was killing me inside! The pink elephant in the room was standing on top of my chest and I was suffocating! You may not ever understand why I’m not talking to you right now because of your mental illness. Narcissism prevents you from truly being yourself, loving yourself and connecting with yourself so I can’t expect you to love or connect with me when you can’t do it for yourself. For too many years, I tried to change me, you and our situation and it drove me crazy, literally! I devoted my life to it, I majored in psychology, wrote endless papers on mother-daughter dynamics, spent countless hours in therapy, had multiple break downs, been hospitalized for stress/anxiety/depression related issues, talked about our issues until I was blue in the face and now I finally had enough. I love you but I love me more and I have to save myself and nurture and love myself so I can be able to nurture and love my children in a healthy way.
I used to say I hated you but now my feelings towards you are softening because I understand more about you and your upbringing and struggles. I am in the process of forgiving you, I really want to forgive you and I have to allow myself to grieve so I can authentically forgive you! I understand now that your battle with narcissism makes it hard for you to love me like I needed and need you to. I realize that you grew up in a dysfunctional home with a non-present alcoholic father and a narcissistic prejudice mother. You didn’t know any better and you only did what was taught to you! You had me at 16 because you didn’t feel loved and you thought that I would be yours and love you unconditionally! I understand why you thought that and I understand why me breaking free of you is hurting you too! But, you also tried to break free of your mother and dysfunctional family too, remember? You tried to make a better life for me and you and you tried hard! I appreciate that! When I reflect on my life I can see you tried! You really did try! But because you were and still are unaware of the impact your family had on you, you struggled and still struggle! In attempting to make a better life, you became a manipulator, a pathological Liar, a hoarder, an emotional/verbal abuser, and a narcissist!
I want better for you! I want you to be healthy! I want you to be healed! I want you to be in my life! I want you to be in my kids life! But it has to be in a healthy manner because I’m not going to expose my kids to the dysfunction! They already have to deal with enough from the residual effects that I unconsciously and unintentionally project! But now that I’m more aware, I understand that I am responsible for their safety and well-being! They deserve a better life and they will have a better life! I will kiss and hug them as much as possible everyday! I will use my words to uplift and encourage them and build their confidence! I will teach them how to be financially secure! I will make it safe for them to share their true thoughts, feelings and emotions! I will support them as they explore the world and cultivate their authentic selves! And I will tell them everyday that they are enough just as they are!!!
I’m not going to say I’m going to be a better mother than you because that’s narcissistic. And I no longer want to compare or compete with you! I will just say I will give them the things I feel I needed as a child and I will be there to support them when they struggle!
I love you mom and I’m still working on forgiving you! But I will forgive you and my hope is that we will have a healthy relationship in the future!
On this Mothers Day even though we won’t share it together, I want you to know that you are on my mind and I wish you the best! I am praying for you and us!
Love,
Your First Born
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~